it still stings a little

I was out in my hometown with friends. and my boyfriend was there too and it was all pretty fun, i was drunk and stuff.. and then I saw the guy that took advantage of me a long while ago. can’t believe how I still haven’t gotten over it. tbh I feel like everyone just thinks of it as, not important. while tbh it has taken over my life before.. from everything I’ve gone through.. if I could change one thing.. that would probably be it. that guy ruined me.. and he doesn’t even know it. so I had a little panic attack yesterday night and nobody noticed. well arthur did but.. well he didn’t want me to panic so he tried to be real calm about it, which made me feel like he didn’t care. which he did but I was drunk ya know. anyways. I’m so stressed about it that I had to make a post about it. so there. I’m a total wreck about this. 

I can't get over the fact that most people think I'm overreacting when I'm talking about that guy that has taken advantage of me. they don't say it, but I feel it. "but if you're drunk and you don't know if you said no anymore.. than it's not actually rape-rape. is it :(:(?" and then when I talk about it I'm all like.. "no no ofcourse. I wouldn't know cause I was drunk and probably drugged up, but I think I said no, I have a vague memory of myself not wanting to.. but it's all a blur for me." but the things it has done to me after it happened. I've never hated myself more than this. I act like it's cool.. cause what the fuck.. I don't even actually remember.. so it's not like it's a bad childhoodmemory of being abused and raped etc... but I still can't cope with these feelings. urgh. 

I love this.

I'm a lightweightBetter be careful what you sayWith every wordI'm blown awayYou're in control of my heartI'm a lightweightEasy to fall, easy to breakWith every move my whole world shakesKeep me from falling apart
Make a promise, pleaseYou'll always be in reachJust in case I needYou there when I callThis is all so newSeems too good to be trueCould this really beA safe place to fall

Read more: DEMI LOVATO - LIGHTWEIGHT LYRICS 

I was here. I lived. I loved.
I was here. I did. I've done.

anything that I wanted and it was more than I thought it would be.
I will leave my mark, soul and everyone will know that I was here.

first update.

So.. Today is 3 september 2012.

And it’s been a while, I’m happy to say that I’m doing alright. Better than last year. Alex and I broke up and even though at first I thought I wasn’t going to survive without him, it was the absolute best thing that happened to me, it HAD to happen at that point. it made me so much stronger as a person and strong as an independent individual. And well.. he didn’t appreciate me as he should, he always was a pretty lonesome guy and I just didn’t fit in his circle. And that’s ok. We are still friends. GLADLY I found an amazing boy 6 months later, Arthur. He is more than amazing, he is perfect (for me J) everything is equal, what I feel for him… he feels for me. Like it should be in a relationship. It’s only been 3 weeks, or even less and I already KNOW that I’m completely and utterly in love with this boy. I have never felt this before. Honest. He makes me happy. it just feels right. The time I experienced with Alex was.. good.. but not real. Looking back at that moment.. I wasn’t really in love, I was obsessed, obsessed with the fact that he meant more to me than I did to him. It wasn’t equal and it never had been.
I can’t even explain how in love I am with Arthur.. I can’t seem to find the right words.. it’s just.. love. I think. Can’t wait untill he’s back this weekend. I live for the weekends, so I can be with him. It’s awesome. I’m beginning to develop a hunger for life, beginning to like life again. And that’s a good thing.

So, that’s it for the first anonymous kind of blog diary-ish update thing on my life. 

selfhatred

You know how it’s like to hate someone.
You don’t wanna get near them, ever.
But what if the one you hate is yourself.
We all know that you can’t hide from yourself.
So if you cannot leave yourself, but cannot live
with yourself either… than what?